I've had the idea for this post for quite some time, but finally decided I was going to write it on a recent trip to the mountains with my husband's family. We had some quality lady time, where we got to chat about being a wife and mother, and with three generations present we got to discuss how it has changed for women over the years. Life changes, that's certain. But one thing that perplexed all of us was the concept of Mommy Wars. Do a quick Google search for "Mommy Wars" and you'll find yourself bombarded with a host of opinions on certain "hot button" topics, many putting down their opposition. On second thought, don't.
What I learned during our mutil-generational conversation is that this mom vs. mom scenario didn't seem to play out as much in past generations (not that it didn't play out
at all). My mother-in-law and her mother were shocked to hear some of the things that I've seen written on social media groups concerning stay at home moms, working moms, breast feeding, formula feeding, pumping, cloth diapering, vaccines, circumcision, co-sleeping, etc. They told me that most women did what they did for their kids and family and
almost never had to justify or discuss these decisions with anyone besides their family members. What's the change? I've already mentioned it:
social media.
Social media has given us all an outlet to write whatever we feel like, and lets face it: when you become a mother, it usually consumes every part of you. You begin posting pictures of nothing but your children and updating statuses with each and every milestone your child meets. You join groups of women labeled as "support" groups for moms to come together, ask questions, bounce ideas off of each other, and even vent when their day has gone completely awry (which happens much more often than any of us care to admit). The premise of groups such as these is fabulous, and I've gotten an insurmountable amount of advice, help, and encouragement from my involvement in them. I've also seen and been on the receiving end of some pretty nasty comments regarding a difference in opinions.
One of these "hot button" mommy issues is the stay at home mom vs. the working mom (and then you have the work-at-home mom, which throws a major wrench into everything). I'm not going to go into the reasons that some moms choose to stay home and some moms choose to work. We all know these reasons. The problem is that some women feel that their own choice is the correct choice for every family, and they choose to put down other women for doing things differently than them.
As mothers, we want what is best for our children and families. Can we not agree that what is best for one family is not best for another family?
I posed these questions to my Facebook friends and followers: If you are a working mom, what is it that a stay at home or a work at home mom has that you wish you had? If you are a stay at home mom, what do working moms or work at home moms have that you wish you had? If you are a work at home mom, what do stay at home moms or working moms have that you wish you had? Disclaimer: I am not pretending that these results represent the feelings of all mothers. These results are from a group of women who chose to answer my questions in one little part of the world.
Working moms longed for one thing: time. Time with their children, time to see them learn new things, time to see them hit all of their milestones, time to play with them, time to teach their children the way they want to teach them. After working all day, many working moms state that they still have to maintain their household, cook dinner, and get the kids ready for bed, leaving little time for quality interaction with their children. It's not that they don't want this interaction, they clearly do. It's that there isn't enough time in the day.
Stay at home moms wished for a few things: adult social interaction, more appreciation for the work that they do. Some stated that they felt completely shut off from the world, and missed the adult interaction they had when working. Many felt under-appreciated, and that the work that they do at home isn't valued as highly as bringing home a paycheck. They even felt guilty for not contributing to the family financially, even though they themselves value the work that they do at home.
Work at home moms felt simlarly to stay at home moms in that they wished for more adult interaction, but also a more private work area.
There was one common theme among most of the moms: they all were doing what worked for their own family, and thought that the sacrifices they were making were worth the benefits of whether they were working outside the home or at home with their children. What is considered a benefit to one mother, was not considered a benefit to another mother. We all have differing opinions, and that's what makes the world interesting. Someone's opinion can not be wrong or right. It is how they feel about something. You cannot tell someone they are wrong for feeling the way that they do.
No one likes to be attacked for their parenting choices, or any choices for that matter. Social media has exploded our opportunities to share our opinions, and therefore opened us up to the many criticisms that come along with it. It really is as simple as this ladies: what works for your family may not work for another family. You can have an opinion, and state it clearly and without judgement of others. There's no reason whatsoever that we should be combating each other for the ways we individually choose to raise our children. We should, instead, be loving and supporting each other for choosing what we think is best for our situations.
